I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
