don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Soap is not a condiment
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
