I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
