She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
