went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
