Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
