$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
