when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
