I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
