I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
