If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
