So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
