ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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