Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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