I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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