Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
