I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
