when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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