my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
