if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
