In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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