Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
