No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
