there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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