why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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