"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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