I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
