I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
