No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
