Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
