I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
