I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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