I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i've created a new STD.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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