i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
