would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
