please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
