What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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