I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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