he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
