I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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