dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
