Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
sex in a hospital.. check
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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