No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
