Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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