The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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