why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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