i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
