I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
