I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
