Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Please don't give away my fajitas
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
