i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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